Sunday, June 25, 2006

Married men having gay sex

What’s going on with the number of married men that are having gay sex!

Go to any number of online dating sites such as or Gaydar and look at the number of ads placed by married men and your mind will boggle!

From my own personal experience I have been with a number (more than 10 I think) of them. You can usually pick them as they give very little about their life away.

Anyway, the thing that prompted todays post is I was recently on the Cheaters Forum looking at some of the posts and I came upon one which was posted by a lady that has discovered that her husband has been having sex with another man for the past 18 months. She was seeking advice on what to do in the situation.

This situation is more common then most of us realize. I know in my group of friends and acquaintances there would be at least 10 guys that have been married but now consider themselves to be gay. In Australia and some states of America there are even support groups to help support married men that are gay such as GAMMA. There are even a number of books that have been written on the issue including My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Survival Guide

It is becoming more and more common that married men come out later in life. I think some of this is due to homosexuality becoming more mainstream. For some men, they do not work out that they are gay until much later in life. For example, a friend of mine has just had his first gay experience at 56! He said he may have just suppressed it all this time while he was married for 25 years. He recently got divorced and then it happened. He was a little shell-shocked as he had never even thought of being with another man. He is a really honest man so I believe him when he says he had never had a gay experience until then.

Another couple I know, they have been married for 10 years (they have two young kids) and two years ago she discovered that her husband had been having an affair with another man for six of the ten years of their marriage. It’s taken about a year but they are actually friends now. She says that it took a while but once she accepted that her husband has probably always been gay all along but due to family, society and self pressure he was forced in the closet and only managed to get the courage to come out later. She is now 39 and getting on with her life and dating.

The blame game when the truth comes out is never the best way for both the husband and wife. Honest and open communication is the key so both parties can make decisions based on fact. So too is not using the kids as a tool to punish and assign guilt!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Sex Fetish Revealed ...

I posted in my Blog a few weeks back about this tale of infidelity about Rex Hunt an Australian celebrity that admitted he cheated on his wife. Anyway, the story is back in the headlines after one of the women he was meant to have cheated with has revealed details about his fetish...makes for great trash reading (and we all love a bit of trash every now and then!).

You can read the full story at the Sydney Morning Herald site

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Open Sexual Relationships

I know a few couples in open sexual relationships. Granted most of them are gay men but it’s certainly becoming more common place for straight couples as well. There are even counselors that deal specifically with couples seeking to have successful open relationships. The pixnaps Blog offers a great perspective on open relationships which is worth a read.

The reason the this topic is top of mind for me is a close girlfriend of mine and her boyfriend are considering trialling an open up their relationship to see where it goes.

About 10 years ago I found myself in an open (sexual) relationship. I was young, cocky, stupid and thought I knew it all. It was fun for a while but I have to say that it was ultimately a really destructive situation for me and my lover at the time. We are still great friends so that’s a great outcome but this isn’t always the outcome so be warned. At the end of the day it became clear that we were both looking for something that was missing in each other, basically we were both in a waiting lounge looking for our next relationship to find us.

The amazing thing about open relationships are the ‘rules of engagement’ couples come up with in order to make open relationships work, such as;

- Warts & all - Both parties must tell all about any sexually activity outside the relationship. Both must be completely honest and tell all details e.g. where, when with whom, what was done...
- Don’t ask don’t tell – Neither party has a reveal any detail about a sexual encounter
- Quota System – Limits are placed on the number of sexual encounters that can happen each week/month
- Don’t fall policy – Limits placed on the number of sexual encounters that are allowed with the same person. This can also include a rule where phone number/email address can’t be exchanged
- Limited fluids – No kissing

There are a bunch more which I’m missing so help me out if you know anymore.

I’m sure open relationships can work really well for some couples and I’d love to hear some success stories and even disaster stories as well.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Is blatant flirting a form of infidelity?

I went to a semi-society wedding on the weekend. You know the faces you see in the social sections of the newspapers but they are not actually famous for anything. Anyway, a good friend of mine married the love of his life and the wedding itself was a complete success.

My other half and I were seated at a table next to two 45-50 something year olds. I'll refer to them as Couple A and Couple B. Both couples were by all accounts very wealthy, attractive and very friendly. Within and hour and a few (too many) glasses of wine later, Husband A and Wife B started flirting with each other. The flirting quickly moved to the odd touch of each others arms and lap. It soon became noticeable the non-flirting husband and wife were noticing the shameless behaviour of their spouses and annoyance set in. To the point where the non-flirting husband grabbed his wife’s mobile phone off her at one point, it appeared as though she was about to take the phone number of the Husband A. The non-flirting wife for the rest of the lunch completely turned so her back was facing her husband so she didn’t see flirting.

Its moments like this that make can lead to an act of infidelity if it’s taken too far and boundaries are tested. What is it about weddings that lead to this type of behaviour, the irony is that this behaviour took place at a wedding which was meant to be a display of faith and commitment!

Then again is this type of blatant flirting a form of infidelity? or Is it just innocent fun?

Saturday, June 10, 2006

So when is cheating, cheating?

Today I’m gonna holler at you about the much talked about topic that usually swings the most silent observer into Dr Phil.

One of my close girlfriends (I’ll refer to as “Paris”) found herself in a frazzled state this week when her partner (I’ll refer to as “Bozo”) of about nine months served her up a healthy dose of dating reality. Here’s how it went down…

Paris and her (now sort-of ex) Bozo had had the discussion about where they were at with their relationship. Both agreed they were very happy in the relationship and without actually stating it, Paris had made an assumption that they were exclusive partners. Paris being the secure, sexy, confidant lady she is said to Bozo, “you are free to do whatever you want, we all are as adults”. With this element of freedom both also allowed each other the freedom to go out separately to bars and clubs with the trust that they were secure with each other.

Anyway, Bozo went out to a dance club last Sunday night. When Paris called him the next morning to see if he wanted to catch up since she was in his area, Bozo said he could meet her for lunch but not at the moment. When Paris asked why she couldn’t come over now, he admitted that he went out last night and had brought someone home and she is still at his place in the shower.

Paris admits that she and Bozo never had an actual conversation about whether or not they were in an exclusively monogamous relationship. Sure they had not had sex with others since their relationship became very close particularly in the last four months but added to that it was never stated they couldn’t. Bozo’s argument was that Paris had said he was free to do whatever he wanted.

Paris admits to giving Bozo the freedom to do whatever he wanted but never thought he would actually do what he did. She also appreciated his honesty. When she asked for my opinion I of course stated that I’m free to go and jump off the Harbour Bridge but I know the dire consequences of such an act, and Bozo (as an adult) clearly knew the consequences of having “just a shag” with a random disco bunny.

The scenario above is a great example to ponder the topic of today’s posting…So when is cheating, cheating?

For me, cheating in a relationship simply breaks down to this…If you do something in a relationship which you are not willing to tell your partner about, you’re cheating. Relationships for me are about total open communication and respect. It’s about giving the person you are with the opportunity to make decisions and judgments based on truth and fact.

So did Bozo cheat or not…You be the judge?

I think given he was honest without hesitation about what he did, he probably didn’t cheat. At the end of the day though, Bozo played himself because he didn’t consider the consequences…At this time, Paris is not willing to continue with what they had and she is only willing to do the friends thing with him now…they are both devastated.