Friday, August 03, 2007

Saving Your Relationship

Another worthwhile read I found online on the People's Media Company website...

How to Save a Relationship If Your Partner Cheats on You

Steps to Help You Save Your Romance Relationship
By Michelle Knudson CLOUT INDEX
Published Apr 04, 2006

Cheating seems to happen in romance relationships at the worst times when we least expect it. We often sit there in shock after we found out that a romance partner cheated on us. It often makes us feels it is our fault. We need to remember that it isn't our fault when a romance partner cheats on us with someone else. Someone who cheats would do it regardless of what may have been said or done by you in the past. Once cheating happens there is no trust left in the romance relationship.

Healing from cheating

The most difficult part of cheating is to begin healing. It is hard to look at your romance partner that cheated on you. We often blame ourselves for the actions of a partner. Sometimes we feel that we failed in the romance relationship somehow. Cheating really has nothing else to do with us. A partner who cheats has a problem within himself or herself that they need to put a stop to somehow. Cheating is a form of deception because the partner did try to hide it from us. People who cheat usually deny it unless they are caught and they know that we know what he or she did.

Can you forgive him or her?

When someone is able to forgive someone it is something that takes allot from someone to be able to do. You don't have to forget about how your partner cheated on you. We need to be able not hold onto things anymore. You can't stay upset with someone forever because it isn't healthy. Everyone does make mistakes from time to time in this wonderful world, but the important thing to remember is if someone learns from mistakes. You need to ask yourself if you can ever forgive your partner that cheated on you.

Should you forgive him or her?

Only if your partner has started to be honest with you and is not telling lies anymore. If your partner is truly sorry about that he or she cheated on you then you should forgive them over time. It takes time to be able to forgive an individual for actions such as cheating. Not everyone who cheats is a bad person. Your partner who cheated on you can't just expect you to just forget about it overnight or even over a year. It takes months and even a year or so to get over something like that since cheating is a form of deception.

How can you get the images out of your mind?

Images of your partner in bed with someone else is something difficult to get over. A few things that can help you get the images of out your head is to remember that person who cheated with your partner isn't one to brag about. She or he isn't some perfect person. If you two decide to work on your relationship despite cheating in the past then remember the other man or woman wasn't that great. Try to remember the times that you and your partner did things together. Try to forget about the other person that use to be with your partner.

Will he or she not cheat on you anymore?
People who cheat often have low self esteem and therefore don't think very highly about themselves. If your partner is truly sorry for what he or she did then they will never cheat on you. People who aren't really sorry for what they did then they will often do it again and try to get away with it. People who want to keep on cheating they just try to hide it better and hope to not get caught again. Some people lie to their partner and keep cheating. You need to decide if your partner is one that would be able to bring him or herself to be able to cheat on you. Only you know how sorry he or she may be for cheating on you in the past. Do what you think is the best for you to do in regards to the romance relationship.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Can a sexless marriage be happy?

I found this great article by JUDITH WOODS which was published in the You Magazine website. Enjoy....


Most couples expect their love lives to slow down with age, but what if the intimacy stops altogether? Can a sexless relationship survive happily?

Helen and Mike have been married for 11 years and have been celibate for six of them. But they’re perfectly happy. Or, as Helen points out, they’re still together, so they must be – mustn’t they?

‘After our two sons were born we just fell out of the habit of having sex,’ says Helen, 44. ‘It took us almost a year of trying to conceive our second child and I found it was a relief to stop because it had become a means to an end rather than a pleasure in itself.

'I’m always tired and I don’t feel any urge for sex now. Mike used to grumble occasionally about wanting sex, but he doesn’t try to initiate it any more. I can only assume he’s quite happy because he never mentions it, although I know he’d be mortified if he thought any of our friends knew.’

We live in a world where we are constantly bombarded with sexual imagery in advertising, music and fashion.

In our overheated culture, sex is no longer a straightforward expression of desire; it has become a potent symbol of youth and vigour, success and personal fulfilment. Against this backdrop, it’s little wonder that sexless marriage is the ultimate taboo subject.

Yet the most recent research suggests that around one in 20 couples are virtually celibate, rising to one in 10 among those in the 45-54 age group. They stay together, and their relationships are apparently strong, but they no longer have sex. Sexlessness, it seems, is the unacknowledged reality of modern marriage.

So is it possible to be happy in a celibate union? Can a co-habiting couple connect on an emotional level without physical intimacy? And as long as one partner still experiences sexual urges, can they ever truly be content with a chaste kiss goodnight?

‘A happy, celibate relationship is theoretically possible, but extremely uncommon,’ says Professor Janet Reibstein, lecturer in psychology at the University of Exeter and author of The Best Kept Secret: Men and Women’s Stories of Lasting Love. ‘I’ve worked in this field for two decades: I interviewed a great many happy couples for my book and none of them were celibate.

‘Sex is the norm, and it’s the norm for a reason. One of the ways in which love and intimacy are expressed is through sexual contact. If a woman says she and her husband are happy to be celibate - or vice versa - then I would question whether the relationship does genuinely feel comfortable to the other partner, or whether they are simply resigned to not having sex.’

Of course, celibacy is a highly subjective term. ‘A husband or wife who is having sex once every four or five weeks, but would prefer it more often, might feel virtually celibate,’ says Mary Clegg, who runs sex information workshops where she teaches both men and women (in single-sex classes) how to get the spark back into the bedroom, ‘while another couple might simply feel that to be the ideal frequency.’

But the fact is that even couples who are unable to have full intercourse for medical reasons can nonetheless give each other sexual satisfaction in other ways – whereas a marriage based merely on hugging and kissing, however loving it may be, is a celibate relationship.

The big issue is agreement. Both partners in a couple may - with age, or for other reasons - lose much of their sex drive and feel content simply to embrace and caress one another with affection, rather than desire.

As long as this state of celibacy is a mutual choice, and can’t be misinterpreted, that’s fine. But it can cause a problem if, as often happens, one partner experiences a loss of sex drive which then results in them withdrawing from all physical contact.

A wife suffering from discomfort or loss of libido after her menopause may be unwilling to touch her husband for fear of him misinterpreting it as a cue for sex.

A man with an erection problem may feel too embarrassed and angry about his condition to reach out to his partner, even though she is desperate for any sort of physical contact.

For women in particular, the absence of the affection associated with sex can be more painful than the lack of intercourse itself.

‘I find equal numbers of women and men write to me about their partner’s loss of desire,’ says YOU's relationships councellor Zelda West-Meads. ‘If, for example, a husband no longer wants sex, the crucial question is whether he has lost interest in sex completely, or has he lost sexual desire for his partner?’

The husband himself will be well aware of whether his loss of libido is general or is specific to his wife. All she can do to ascertain this is ask him outright if he finds other women sexually attractive, or if he masturbates in secret.

It can be devastating to learn that your spouse no longer finds you desirable, and some partners will lie rather than cause further hurt. But honesty is the only way to tackle the problem.

‘If the desire was never really there in the first place, it’s much harder to rekindle anything,’ says West-Meads, ‘but if the loss of interest by the husband or wife has been caused by other problems in the relationship, such as work stress, money worries or resentment over not receiving enough help with childcare, then sorting those out can help reignite passion.’

The classic complaint among men is that their partners lose interest in sex after they become mothers, transferring their affection to the children.

But it’s not necessarily the arrival of babies that damps female ardour. To some degree, evolution is stacked against women. In the early stages of a relationship, women are genetically programmed to have a high sex drive in order to form a ‘pair bond’.

After this bond has been sealed, the woman’s sexual appetite usually declines, but a man’s tends to remain the same, in order to protect him from being cuckolded by another male. Researchers from Germany have found that, four years into a secure relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex, compared to between 60 and 80 per cent of men.

According to Relate sexual therapist Paula Hall, for a purely celibate relationship to succeed, the couple needs to agree, in advance, on the precise degree of sexuality they are allowed to display, which is very difficult.

‘Our sexuality is central to who we are as people. For a celibate relationship to work you have to decide how you will maintain physical intimacy and where to draw the line. Are you still allowed to wear that little black dress he always finds so sexy, for example? Must you wear granny pants so there’s no risk of arousing him?

‘You have to be clear about what you would do if one partner starts to feel sexual. You also have to ask yourself: is the decision to have a non-sexual relationship a healthy decision, or have you simply given up on having a sex life?’

The truth is that a great number of long-term relationships become sexless, or virtually sexless, by default, many of them as a result of the pressures of work and modern life. Testosterone levels are reduced by stress, and as testosterone is responsible for the sex drive - in both men and women - that means a lack of interest in sex.

Falling into bed at the end of a long day, sex is often the very last thing on our minds. And when small children wake at 5.30am, the lazy morning lie-ins of our courtship days are also out of the question.

But unfortunately human beings tend to be creatures of routine and, if we fall out of the habit of lovemaking, we can forget how to be sensual with each other at all. Ironically, the more sex you have, the more testosterone is produced by the body, so the less sex you have, the less you feel the need for it. But sometimes celibacy seems less of a challenge than trying to tackle emotional problems between your and your partner.

‘There can be times, such as when you have small children, where celibacy suits you both,’ says Hall. ‘But if that changes for one of you, the imbalance can lead to resentment, and this has a tendency to build up slowly and eat into a relationship, causing all sorts of problems. Arguments about not having sex then create a huge amount of tension and discourage the other partner from sex even further.’

Relationship counsellors refer to the term ‘disorders of desire’ to describe situations where libidos are mismatched. Where one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t, it can be very painful. Feelings of rejection, anger and failure and also a sense of loss - on both sides - are common.

‘I feel distraught at living in a virtually sexless life,’ says Amanda, 36. ‘The pain, rage and shame I feel are sometimes overwhelming. My husband claims he loves me yet he rarely touches me. I have humiliated myself in an effort to gain his attention; I have literally begged on my knees for him to show me he cares, but that makes him retreat into himself further because he resents being put under pressure.

‘We used to have a lot of sex, then it dwindled to a few times a year. The irony is that he really enjoys sex when we have it and promises me we’ll do it again soon, but we never do. I just want to be held and feel loved. I do think about leaving him, but we have children and a life together, and lack of sex seems such a selfish, superficial reason to go.’

Amanda’s husband, Martin, 43, sees it differently. He feels nagged into sex, which makes him even more resistant. ‘I’m well aware that Amanda is unhappy - she tells me virtually every day,’ he says.

‘I know I have a problem with sex, which I suspect is partly down to laziness, and partly to do with feeling henpecked in the relationship, so at a subconscious level I withhold sex and affection. Being shouted at makes me even less inclined to want sex. I wish she would be less shrewish,’ he adds, ‘then I might have the space to initiate something, but she’s too busy ranting, so I just ignore her.’

Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage, has every sympathy for a woman or man who feels anguish at the loss of sex and intimacy. She too says she’s never encountered happy celibacy; there’s always one partner yearning for more but willing to settle for less.

‘Generally speaking, celibacy is a unilateral decision, not a joint one,’ says Wiener-Davis. ‘The intimate touching that comes with sex is the tie that binds in marriage, the glue that holds the relationship together, and we need it,’ she says. ‘It sets that primary relationship apart from all other relationships and we are hard-wired to feel a connection and a sense of being special to one another.’

An absence of sex can create a void at the centre of the relationship, leaving a door open for infidelity and divorce. When a third party offers the love and physical affection a husband or wife craves, it can be difficult to resist.

‘A marriage without sex isn’t doomed, but it’s on shaky ground,’ Wiener-Davis points out. ‘Marriage is a package deal, and there are all sorts of things you must learn to accept about your partner, but accepting that he or she won’t have sex with you is a pretty big compromise to make. Yet there are people who can look at the bigger picture, who say “I’ve got four great children and a history with this person and even though I’m really unhappy, I’m not willing to walk away”.’

Few would argue that marriage and long-term relationships are about give and take - on both sides. Sex therapists often suggest that, where desire is not equal, the partner with lower libido should occasionally display a spirit of sexual generosity towards their husband or wife as way of demonstrating love for them.

If one partner refuses to entertain any notion of physical intimacy, there’s no opportunity to rediscover the pleasure of touching and being touched, which can, in turn, lead to a reawakening of desire. In the short term, celibacy may seem easier than talking about the lack of contact and less confrontational than discussing the serious issues that underline it. But marriage is for life, and a lifetime without sex is a lot to ask of anyone.

How To Keep That Loving Feeling

Keep talking: If you feel there’s a problem with sex in your relationship, don’t brood in silence; sit down together and discuss it.

Make time to be close: Cuddle up on the sofa or in bed, but agree beforehand that it won’t lead to sex, so there’s no pressure.

Rekindle some romance: Dress up and arrange to meet in a bar you used to go when you first dated. Practise flirting with each other again.

Indulge yourselves: Set aside one evening a week to light candles and massage each other. Be sensuous rather than sexual; with time, that will happen.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Cruelty of cheaters

Earlier this month "TK" in Texas wrote me an email telling me of her story. I've had a number of emails from visitors to DaDetail that have preferred to email rather than post to the Blog. Almost all stories have an element of the cheating spouse displaying cruelty toward their spouse. In "TKs" short account below there are a number of acts of cruelty which is a real concern for if TK wrote in more detail I think it would become even more apparent just how cruel her spouse is toward her.

1. TK has to beg for sex
2. TK strongly believes her spouse has cheated many times
3. TK was expected to clean the kitchen on her birthday
4. TKs husband tried to shame TK by bringing their daughter into the issue

TK asked me to comment on what she thought was going on with her husband. Without knowing more than what TK sent me (which you can read below), this is my take on this situation...and I will not be popular for my opinion but here goes...

Firstly, I think your husband has lost respect for you. That's why he feels its okay for you have to beg for sex and still deny you. You too have lost respect for yourself and hence your ability to let this marriage continue the way it has for so long and not stamp it out sooner. All relationships require a level of respect for each other, at some point in your marriage he has lost this respect for you and my guess is you lost respect for yourself when you started suspecting he was cheating on you.

I predict his level of cruelty toward you might be steadily increasing over time and you've only just started to recognise it as it is getting progressively worse. I strongly believe you can only control yourself. I like that you finished reading the article before dealing with the smell he was complaining about...I think you should have simply said you couldn't smell anything and that if he could he should clean the kitchen. That's taking back control of you.

I hope this helps?


"I have been married for 22 years...have four children, two grandchildren. My spouse and I have sex perhaps five times a year at most. We can go for months and nothing. I am the one that always has to beg and at that it still does not happen at times. My spouse has cheated many times in the past, yet I have no concrete evidence he is doing so at this time.

He has started to be cruel at times again though and that can be a sign. My 48th birthday was this past Sunday. We had gone out to get donuts and the Sunday paper. When we arrived back home he complained of an unpleasant odor coming from the kitchen. I had already sat down to read an article and drink coffee. He made the snide comment to our 20 year old daughter that "I am very disappointed with your mother"....meaning he was upset I did not run right away to the kitchen to take care of the problem. Needless to say....I had not noticed the odor .but it was from a dirty dish left in the sink. I did read my article first and I then went to the kitchen afterward.

Do you have any opinions as to what is going on here? I feel that he was purposely trying to ruin the day for me in which he more than succeeded in doing so. My husband is 50 years old and I am 48. You may publish my article is you wish. I have no one here to turn to for this , and an objective opinions would be of great help. Thanks TK in Texas"

I'm Back!

Its almost a year since I last posted on my Blog. I guess life has "taken over" as they say and I've just caught up...anyway, I'm back and will try my best to post at least once a week.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Gay Married Men Article From The NY Times

One of my past posting was titles "Married men having gay sex". I came across a great feature story that featured in the NY Times which I thought I'd share with you all. I've cut and pasted the text to the story below or click here to see the story in the NY Times site.


When the Beard Is Too Painful to Remove

By JANE GROSS (NYT) 1814 wordsPublished: August 3, 2006

THEY spend decades denying their sexual confusion to themselves and others. They generally limit their encounters with men to anonymous one-night stands and tell all manner of lies if their wives suspect.

They consider themselves to be devoted husbands, conscientious fathers and suburban homeowners, and what typically brings them to the point of crisis in their 40's, 50's and even 60's is their first emotional connection with another man.

For gay men in heterosexual marriages, even after the status quo becomes unbearable, the pull of domestic life remains powerful. Many are desperate to preserve their marriages -- to continue reaping the emotional and financial support of wives, and domestic pleasures like tucking children in at night.

The demand for support groups for gay, married men, as well as traffic in Internet chat rooms, shows that so-called ''Brokeback'' marriages have hardly disappeared, as many experts assumed they would, even in an age when gay couples, in certain parts of the country, live openly and raise children just like any family.

Leaving a marriage and setting up housekeeping with a gay partner is not what most married gay men have in mind when they join a support group, according to Stephen McFadden, a clinical social worker, who runs such groups in Manhattan. Instead, Mr. McFadden and others in the field say, their clients generally start out committed to the opposite goal.

Even after a pained awakening or acknowledgment of their sexual orientation, these men want to save their marriages, Mr. McFadden and others say, either by lying, promising their wives they will not have sex with men or persuading them to accept their double lives.
Yet, such arrangements succeed for only ''a small percentage'' of couples, Mr. McFadden and other therapists said, but the stubborn attempt often makes these men unwelcome or uncomfortable in support groups for gay fathers, which are easy to find but largely the province of men who are long divorced.

One support group member, Steve T., is a Long Island doctor, married to his high school sweetheart and the father of three school-age sons. He said he felt the sting of judgment when he tried a group for gay fathers. ''They thought my desire to stay married was part of my denial,'' said Dr. T., who would do almost anything to keep his family together and his suburban lifestyle intact, even after telling his wife that he is gay.

She is his ''best friend'' and the ''perfect co-parent,'' said the 44-year-old doctor, who agreed to be interviewed on condition he not be fully identified and his secrets thus revealed to relatives, neighbors and patients. He enjoys the social life of a popular suburban couple, adores his in-laws and wants to live in the same home as his children.

But he also wants to continue a love affair with a man like himself: married, with children, a lawn to mow and a comfortable life. And until a few weeks ago, Dr. T. said, ''this was working great in terms of getting our needs met and not disrupting our families.''

Dr. T.'s wife had agreed she could live with his sexual orientation provided he didn't act on it. So he lied and said his homosexual relationship did not include sex. But she wasn't fooled and forced him to move into an in-law apartment in the family home, a way station to a more formal separation.

This development has left him stunned, one moment sympathetic to his wife's position and the next disbelieving that they can't work it out. ''I love her, but she wants me to be in love with her,'' Dr. T. said. ''She wants to be my one and only. Everything we have will be at risk if, God forbid, we divorce.''

Data on these marriages is scarce and unreliable because of the various ways of defining ''gay'' in demographic research. Studies in the 1970's and 80's, using inconsistent methodology, found anywhere from one-fifth to one-third of gay men were or had at one time been married. All the therapists and gay men interviewed for this article assumed that percentage would be far lower in today's more accepting society.

But Gary J. Gates, a demographer at the Williams Institute, a research group that studies gay issues at U.C.L.A., blended data for The New York Times from the 2000 Census and a 2002 federal survey of family configurations, and found that the percentage of gay men who had ever been married could be as high as 38 percent -- or as low as 9 percent -- depending on whether respondents were asked their sexual orientation, whom they had sex with or whom they found attractive.

Of the 27 million American men currently married, Mr. Gates found, 1.6 percent, or 436,000, identify themselves as gay or bisexual. Of the 75 million men who have ever been married, 1.8 percent, or 1.3 million, identify themselves that way. But, in both cases, when the men are asked about behavior if they have ever had sex with men, not what they consider their sexual orientation, the number of men who have ever been married doubles.

The sort of arrangement Dr. T. hoped for -- a proper marriage and one or more relationships with men on the side -- is not unheard of. Cole Porter pulled it off and so did James McGreevey, New Jersey's former governor, who left office, and his wife, in 2004. Mr. McGreevey, 48, has spent the last year writing a memoir, ''The Confession,'' to be released on Sept. 19, and recently, with his new partner, Mark O'Donnell, 42, moved into a Georgian mansion in Plainfield, N.J.
THE specter of AIDS has led to a formal and presumably safe way for gay married men to have it all, known as a Closed-Loop Relationship. Instead of risky promiscuous sex, a married man has two ''monogamous'' relationships, one with his wife and one with another man, usually married. Done according to the rules, enumerated on Web sites and online support groups, all four parties agree to this setup.

''It's an approach which people hoped would be a compromise solution,'' said Michael, the Web master of, a site based in Manchester, England, who declined to give his last name out of deference to his wife, whom he no longer lives with. ''But it's easier said than done.''

Closed-Loop Relationships are anathema to Bonnie Kaye, the former wife of a gay man, who runs the Web site and conducts ''How to Come Out to Your Wife'' workshops. ''If they're too selfish to leave, I won't work with them,'' Ms. Kaye said. ''If they love their wives, they need to give them their lives back.''

Deception remains common. An unscientific survey of visitors to found that more than half of the married gay respondents said their wives did not know of their sexual inclinations. Of those, a slim majority were considering whether to come clean but a third said ''never.''

Men who are forthcoming with their wives, and then divorce or separate, report surprise that what happens afterward is often vastly harder than the process of ending the marriage.
Scott W., 64, a retired school teacher and real estate agent, relieved his occasional need for homosexual sex with anonymous encounters on East Hampton Beach without quite labeling himself as gay or bisexual. Only when he fell for someone, who rejected him because he was married, did Scott conclude he had to divorce a woman he loved and had been with for 24 years. That process, as these things go, was without acrimony, said Scott, a former member of Mr. McFadden's support group, and he remains close to her and his two grown sons.

But looking for love in late middle age, Scott said, is a frustrating ordeal. After a brief ''slut phase,'' he had ''the naïve idea I'd find someone right away.'' Instead, he has learned he is ill-suited, or too old, for gay night life. ''They want to go out at 11 o'clock,'' Scott said, ''and I want to go to sleep at 11 o'clock. Plus, in those places, there's too much noise and confusion.''

He eats dinner most nights at the bar of an East Side restaurant that attracts an older gay clientele. The conversation is lively, Scott said, but he hasn't found anyone to date. Recently, a married gay man left his business card but Scott threw it away. He is not looking for a one-night stand.

Scott's loneliness after divorce is common among middle-aged men, according to Dr. Richard A. Isay, 69, the first openly gay member of the American Psychoanalytic Association who himself left a heterosexual marriage about 20 years ago, when he was already in a gay relationship that he remains in today. Dr. Isay said he came slowly to understand his patients' sense of isolation during three decades of practice, and therefore has modified his advice to gay married men.
''I beg them to take it slow because it's difficult to find the substitute for the love and companionship of a longtime spouse,'' said Dr. Isay, author of ''Commitment and Healing: Gay Men and the Need for Romantic Love'' (Wiley, 2006). ''They must take that loss into consideration.''

The loss comes on top of the adolescent awkwardness of not knowing the social norms of a new world, described on the blog Its author, who identifies himself only as Chris, writes of changing his clothes many times before heading to his first gay bar, finding it empty and not realizing he had arrived too early. He writes of not understanding the sexual terminology in gay personal ads and looking for an ''always gay'' man to teach him what he needed to know.

In an e-mail exchange, Chris compared the experience to ''living abroad,'' where the ''thrill of a new place'' competes with ''the deep loneliness'' of unfamiliarity. It is not, he said ''the existential loneliness of not knowing who you are and where you belong, but the loneliness of 'What am I going to do this weekend?' 'How am I supposed to behave?' or 'When will the phone start to ring?'

'' Even in the security of a six-year relationship with a man, John. J., 53, resists divorcing his wife of 30 years. ''I am still so in love with her,'' he said, speaking on the condition he not be fully identified because his parents, in-laws and colleagues do not know the details of his separation. ''And there's nobody else I'd use that word for.''

John said he had no moral choice but to leave his marriage once he ''let the emotional aspect'' of his attraction to men into his life. ''That had been the realm of me and my wife,'' he said. ''So that's the line of demarcation. The two, for me, are mutually exclusive. But divorce? I can't imagine the finality of that. I have doubts all the time.''

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Friends cheating

I recently found myself in a very uncomfortable position. I found out (with my own eyes) that one of my good friends who is married to another friend of mine is cheating. Obviously it is not my place to pass judgement or tell on them but it still makes me feel weird.

From what I can gather, they are meant to be exclusive to each other but perhaps privately they have an agreement, perhaps they are allowed to fool around but not tell, perhaps their sex lives are at a point where they do not turn each other on anymore. Who knows, relationships take on so many different forms now-a-days.

Anyway, just thought I'd share. I'm sure all those reading this post have been in a similar position.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

If there is no sex in the relationship – is it ok to cheat?

“I'm in a sexless marriage. My wife wants no physical contact. If I have sex with others, is it cheating?”

I’ve had a few emails regarding this scenario and thought I’d dedicate a posting to it.

This is a question posted by one of my readers “PW”, but the story to follow is not his story, it’s the story of “Bob from Kansas”

Bob from Kansas City emailed me his story and said I could share it with my readers. Bob has been married for 17 years and has two kids who have all left home for college and work. In the past 10 years, Bob says he has not had sexual intercourse with his wife. He said he stopped trying to have sex with her after eight years of rejection and being starved of sexual intimacy.

Bob says his wife stopped wanting to have sex with him after the birth of their second child. He still finds his wife attractive and she still says that he is attractive but she just flat-out doesn’t want sexual intimacy. The most affection he gets from his wife is a kiss on the cheek every night before going to sleep.

About six months ago Bob met a woman at the local grocery store. It started with an innocent discussion about which type of canned salmon was the best and led to several lunch date, the last one of which was at her place. Anyway, one thing led to another and Bob committed his first ever act of infidelity on his wife. Never in their 17 year marriage had Bob’s lips even been on another woman’s and as a result he is feeling serious guilt as a result. Bob said, “I had honestly forgotten what the feeling was like to have sex with someone and it was wonderfully overdue”. (I bet it was!)

Bob has since cut contact with the grocery store lady for fear that it could lead to something more than sex. He does fear though that now he remembers how enjoyable and satisfying sex can be that he will cheat on his wife again. He said he’d email me an update if he acts on his urges again.

Bob’s question to me was: Is it okay to do what I did given my wife has not wanted to have sex with me for 10 years?


Frankly, I have to say that while Bob did commit infidelity his grounds for doing so were somewhat warranted. Some will say he is selfish but others will say he was within his rights after all he was faithful for 17 years!

If I were in Bob’s situation I would probably have had a word to my partner to say, listen, you are not interested in sex but I am and I have my needs. I still love you but I need to get me some! From there the conversation can go a number of ways (positive and negative) but at least it puts the issue out there to be dealt with.

I don’t care what anyone says, a healthy consistent sexual relationship is a key ingredient to a fulfilling relationship.

What do y’all think?

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Can a cheater expect fidelity from a lover?

For those of you that have actually cheated on a partner at some point will know all about today's subject...Can a cheater expect fidelity from a lover?

To those that have never cheated on a partner, you'll read this and think how what a ridicules double standard! The reality is that this is a fairly common scenario, especially if the third party is single. For me personally, I have been on both sides of the fence on this issue.

A guy I used to hang out with many years ago was the king of enforcing this crazy double standard on his lovers. He had two long-term relationships going at the one time. One partner lived in the same city as him but they lived separately while his other partner lived in another State. In between he had three others that were like part-time lovers. These three others were all single and knew about his two long-term partners but not about each other. Confused? Tell me about it, I used to be with him when he would field calls from them in the one day - now that was confusing.

My friend actually expected all five of his partners to not have sex with anyone but him! Predictably enough, the two long-term partners actually found out about each other and broke it off with him, leaving him with the three part-timers...long story short, two of the part-timers got over him and he is left with the default...Last I heard he is still with default.

Have you ever been expected to be faithful to someone you are creepin' with? Or perhaps you have been the default?