Sunday, July 22, 2007

Cruelty of cheaters

Earlier this month "TK" in Texas wrote me an email telling me of her story. I've had a number of emails from visitors to DaDetail that have preferred to email rather than post to the Blog. Almost all stories have an element of the cheating spouse displaying cruelty toward their spouse. In "TKs" short account below there are a number of acts of cruelty which is a real concern for if TK wrote in more detail I think it would become even more apparent just how cruel her spouse is toward her.

1. TK has to beg for sex
2. TK strongly believes her spouse has cheated many times
3. TK was expected to clean the kitchen on her birthday
4. TKs husband tried to shame TK by bringing their daughter into the issue

TK asked me to comment on what she thought was going on with her husband. Without knowing more than what TK sent me (which you can read below), this is my take on this situation...and I will not be popular for my opinion but here goes...

Firstly, I think your husband has lost respect for you. That's why he feels its okay for you have to beg for sex and still deny you. You too have lost respect for yourself and hence your ability to let this marriage continue the way it has for so long and not stamp it out sooner. All relationships require a level of respect for each other, at some point in your marriage he has lost this respect for you and my guess is you lost respect for yourself when you started suspecting he was cheating on you.

I predict his level of cruelty toward you might be steadily increasing over time and you've only just started to recognise it as it is getting progressively worse. I strongly believe you can only control yourself. I like that you finished reading the article before dealing with the smell he was complaining about...I think you should have simply said you couldn't smell anything and that if he could he should clean the kitchen. That's taking back control of you.

I hope this helps?



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"I have been married for 22 years...have four children, two grandchildren. My spouse and I have sex perhaps five times a year at most. We can go for months and nothing. I am the one that always has to beg and at that it still does not happen at times. My spouse has cheated many times in the past, yet I have no concrete evidence he is doing so at this time.

He has started to be cruel at times again though and that can be a sign. My 48th birthday was this past Sunday. We had gone out to get donuts and the Sunday paper. When we arrived back home he complained of an unpleasant odor coming from the kitchen. I had already sat down to read an article and drink coffee. He made the snide comment to our 20 year old daughter that "I am very disappointed with your mother"....meaning he was upset I did not run right away to the kitchen to take care of the problem. Needless to say....I had not noticed the odor .but it was from a dirty dish left in the sink. I did read my article first and I then went to the kitchen afterward.

Do you have any opinions as to what is going on here? I feel that he was purposely trying to ruin the day for me in which he more than succeeded in doing so. My husband is 50 years old and I am 48. You may publish my article is you wish. I have no one here to turn to for this , and an objective opinions would be of great help. Thanks TK in Texas"

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