Thursday, July 20, 2006

If there is no sex in the relationship – is it ok to cheat?

“I'm in a sexless marriage. My wife wants no physical contact. If I have sex with others, is it cheating?”

I’ve had a few emails regarding this scenario and thought I’d dedicate a posting to it.

This is a question posted by one of my readers “PW”, but the story to follow is not his story, it’s the story of “Bob from Kansas”

Bob from Kansas City emailed me his story and said I could share it with my readers. Bob has been married for 17 years and has two kids who have all left home for college and work. In the past 10 years, Bob says he has not had sexual intercourse with his wife. He said he stopped trying to have sex with her after eight years of rejection and being starved of sexual intimacy.

Bob says his wife stopped wanting to have sex with him after the birth of their second child. He still finds his wife attractive and she still says that he is attractive but she just flat-out doesn’t want sexual intimacy. The most affection he gets from his wife is a kiss on the cheek every night before going to sleep.

About six months ago Bob met a woman at the local grocery store. It started with an innocent discussion about which type of canned salmon was the best and led to several lunch date, the last one of which was at her place. Anyway, one thing led to another and Bob committed his first ever act of infidelity on his wife. Never in their 17 year marriage had Bob’s lips even been on another woman’s and as a result he is feeling serious guilt as a result. Bob said, “I had honestly forgotten what the feeling was like to have sex with someone and it was wonderfully overdue”. (I bet it was!)

Bob has since cut contact with the grocery store lady for fear that it could lead to something more than sex. He does fear though that now he remembers how enjoyable and satisfying sex can be that he will cheat on his wife again. He said he’d email me an update if he acts on his urges again.

Bob’s question to me was: Is it okay to do what I did given my wife has not wanted to have sex with me for 10 years?


Frankly, I have to say that while Bob did commit infidelity his grounds for doing so were somewhat warranted. Some will say he is selfish but others will say he was within his rights after all he was faithful for 17 years!

If I were in Bob’s situation I would probably have had a word to my partner to say, listen, you are not interested in sex but I am and I have my needs. I still love you but I need to get me some! From there the conversation can go a number of ways (positive and negative) but at least it puts the issue out there to be dealt with.

I don’t care what anyone says, a healthy consistent sexual relationship is a key ingredient to a fulfilling relationship.

What do y’all think?


At 2:52 pm, Blogger Tomtabear said...

I agree it was warranted. And I too used to think that it was wrong but people need to be shown that they are loved. A kiss on the cheek every night doesn't quite make your heart jump for joy. I am married to an older man whom has become sick. Diagnosed with cancer a year ago but even before that there wasn't much intimacy. We've been together for almost 11 years and married for almost four. We've had sex 2 times since we've been married. And there is a song that says "I need love" and that is what makes our hearts beat, our lungs breathe, and our desire to live.

At 9:52 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

From another in a sexless marriage: I can't, and don't, judge Bob as a cheater. His story is clearly about sex, not a relationship.

I need sex, too. I don't understand why my wife doesn't.

At 10:38 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't judge Bob as a cheater either. I consider Bob to have been just reborn to his own life. A life which he knows can exist for him, and of course which probably did many years ago.

I am a woman, and I understand his pain. I have, and am, experiencing what he's been through. It isn't nice when your partner rejects you or just plain ignores you when you go to bed. We all need to feel needed and loved, but if we don't feel that from the one we married, there's something wrong.

I was only 15 when my husband and I met, and we dated for 10 years before getting married. We've been married for 14 years now, and I feel life is too short to be 'alone' when you're with someone.

I am an attractive lady, apparently, and have been told that by many. I acted on an impulse one day, but it was only a kiss with a close friend whom I found attractive. It was the most passion I had felt in my life. That kiss made me realize that I am worthy of much more happiness than I am have right now.

There's plenty more to the story of course, but I guess I'll have to start my own blog soon and finish it. There's just so much I need to tell and maybe some others can share their experiences as well.

So, Bob, if you read this.. I understand and don't think you are a cheater - I think you are a saint for putting up with a sexless marriage for so long, as many of us have.

At 7:33 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If left untreated, ED can cause immeasurable and permanent damage to a person as well as the relationship. Perhaps, the most vital negative aspect of Erectile Dysfunction is the loss of a relationship. There is always a serious danger of partners parting ways due to the failure of a male to satisfy his partner.

At 9:33 am, Blogger Sharon Speals said...

I was so unhappy in my relationship with my husband of 7 years. I knew my husband was up to something yet he was good at concealing it. I had enough and had to do something so I decided to see what he was up to while on the computer. No wonder he never wanted sex because what I found was unbelievable. I found that when he was away on business a few times a month he was making arrangements to meet up with "his special lady", and he did this to in every city he visited. That was the last straw and left him then and there.

I do not regret my actions, as I could not stand the man at this point. This was the best decision that I have ever made all thanks to

At 2:48 pm, Blogger dayton hopper said...

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