Infidelity ...it's all in DaDetail

Saving Your Relationship

2007-08-03T22:54:00.000+10:00

Another worthwhile read I found online on the People's Media Company website...

How to Save a Relationship If Your Partner Cheats on You

Steps to Help You Save Your Romance Relationship
By Michelle Knudson
Published Apr 04, 2006

Cheating seems to happen in romance relationships at the worst times when we least expect it. We often sit there in shock after we found out that a romance partner cheated on us. It often makes us feels it is our fault. We need to remember that it isn't our fault when a romance partner cheats on us with someone else. Someone who cheats would do it regardless of what may have been said or done by you in the past. Once cheating happens there is no trust left in the romance relationship.

Healing from cheating

The most difficult part of cheating is to begin healing. It is hard to look at your romance partner that cheated on you. We often blame ourselves for the actions of a partner. Sometimes we feel that we failed in the romance relationship somehow. Cheating really has nothing else to do with us. A partner who cheats has a problem within himself or herself that they need to put a stop to somehow. Cheating is a form of deception because the partner did try to hide it from us. People who cheat usually deny it unless they are caught and they know that we know what he or she did.

Can you forgive him or her?

When someone is able to forgive someone it is something that takes allot from someone to be able to do. You don't have to forget about how your partner cheated on you. We need to be able not hold onto things anymore. You can't stay upset with someone forever because it isn't healthy. Everyone does make mistakes from time to time in this wonderful world, but the important thing to remember is if someone learns from mistakes. You need to ask yourself if you can ever forgive your partner that cheated on you.

Should you forgive him or her?

Only if your partner has started to be honest with you and is not telling lies anymore. If your partner is truly sorry about that he or she cheated on you then you should forgive them over time. It takes time to be able to forgive an individual for actions such as cheating. Not everyone who cheats is a bad person. Your partner who cheated on you can't just expect you to just forget about it overnight or even over a year. It takes months and even a year or so to get over something like that since cheating is a form of deception.

How can you get the images out of your mind?

Images of your partner in bed with someone else is something difficult to get over. A few things that can help you get the images of out your head is to remember that person who cheated with your partner isn't one to brag about. She or he isn't some perfect person. If you two decide to work on your relationship despite cheating in the past then remember the other man or woman wasn't that great. Try to remember the times that you and your partner did things together. Try to forget about the other person that use to be with your partner.

Will he or she not cheat on you anymore?
People who cheat often have low self esteem and therefore don't think very highly about themselves. If your partner is truly sorry for what he or she did then they will never cheat on you. People who aren't really sorry for what they did then they will often do it again and try to get away with it. People who want to keep on cheating they just try to hide it better and hope to not get caught again. Some people lie to their partner and keep cheating. You need to decide if your partner is one that would be able to bring him or herself to be able to cheat on you. Only you know how sorry he or she may be for cheating on you in the past. Do what you think is the best for you to do in regards to the romance relationship.

Can a sexless marriage be happy?

2007-07-28T10:13:00.000+10:00

I found this great article by JUDITH WOODS which was published in the You Magazine website. Enjoy....

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Most couples expect their love lives to slow down with age, but what if the intimacy stops altogether? Can a sexless relationship survive happily?

Helen and Mike have been married for 11 years and have been celibate for six of them. But they’re perfectly happy. Or, as Helen points out, they’re still together, so they must be – mustn’t they?

‘After our two sons were born we just fell out of the habit of having sex,’ says Helen, 44. ‘It took us almost a year of trying to conceive our second child and I found it was a relief to stop because it had become a means to an end rather than a pleasure in itself.

'I’m always tired and I don’t feel any urge for sex now. Mike used to grumble occasionally about wanting sex, but he doesn’t try to initiate it any more. I can only assume he’s quite happy because he never mentions it, although I know he’d be mortified if he thought any of our friends knew.’

We live in a world where we are constantly bombarded with sexual imagery in advertising, music and fashion.

In our overheated culture, sex is no longer a straightforward expression of desire; it has become a potent symbol of youth and vigour, success and personal fulfilment. Against this backdrop, it’s little wonder that sexless marriage is the ultimate taboo subject.

Yet the most recent research suggests that around one in 20 couples are virtually celibate, rising to one in 10 among those in the 45-54 age group. They stay together, and their relationships are apparently strong, but they no longer have sex. Sexlessness, it seems, is the unacknowledged reality of modern marriage.

So is it possible to be happy in a celibate union? Can a co-habiting couple connect on an emotional level without physical intimacy? And as long as one partner still experiences sexual urges, can they ever truly be content with a chaste kiss goodnight?

‘A happy, celibate relationship is theoretically possible, but extremely uncommon,’ says Professor Janet Reibstein, lecturer in psychology at the University of Exeter and author of The Best Kept Secret: Men and Women’s Stories of Lasting Love. ‘I’ve worked in this field for two decades: I interviewed a great many happy couples for my book and none of them were celibate.

‘Sex is the norm, and it’s the norm for a reason. One of the ways in which love and intimacy are expressed is through sexual contact. If a woman says she and her husband are happy to be celibate - or vice versa - then I would question whether the relationship does genuinely feel comfortable to the other partner, or whether they are simply resigned to not having sex.’

Of course, celibacy is a highly subjective term. ‘A husband or wife who is having sex once every four or five weeks, but would prefer it more often, might feel virtually celibate,’ says Mary Clegg, who runs sex information workshops where she teaches both men and women (in single-sex classes) how to get the spark back into the bedroom, ‘while another couple might simply feel that to be the ideal frequency.’

But the fact is that even couples who are unable to have full intercourse for medical reasons can nonetheless give each other sexual satisfaction in other ways – whereas a marriage based merely on hugging and kissing, however loving it may be, is a celibate relationship.

The big issue is agreement. Both partners in a couple may - with age, or for other reasons - lose much of their sex drive and feel content simply to embrace and caress one another with affection, rather than desire.

As long as this state of celibacy is a mutual choice, and can’t be misinterpreted, that’s fine. But it can cause a problem if, as often happens, one partner experiences a loss of sex drive which then results in them withdrawing from all physical contact.

A wife suffering from discomfort or loss of libido after her menopause may be unwilling to touch her husband for fear of him misinterpreting it as a cue for sex.

A man with an erection problem may feel too embarrassed and angry about his condition to reach out to his partner, even though she is desperate for any sort of physical contact.

For women in particular, the absence of the affection associated with sex can be more painful than the lack of intercourse itself.

‘I find equal numbers of women and men write to me about their partner’s loss of desire,’ says YOU's relationships councellor Zelda West-Meads. ‘If, for example, a husband no longer wants sex, the crucial question is whether he has lost interest in sex completely, or has he lost sexual desire for his partner?’

The husband himself will be well aware of whether his loss of libido is general or is specific to his wife. All she can do to ascertain this is ask him outright if he finds other women sexually attractive, or if he masturbates in secret.

It can be devastating to learn that your spouse no longer finds you desirable, and some partners will lie rather than cause further hurt. But honesty is the only way to tackle the problem.

‘If the desire was never really there in the first place, it’s much harder to rekindle anything,’ says West-Meads, ‘but if the loss of interest by the husband or wife has been caused by other problems in the relationship, such as work stress, money worries or resentment over not receiving enough help with childcare, then sorting those out can help reignite passion.’

The classic complaint among men is that their partners lose interest in sex after they become mothers, transferring their affection to the children.

But it’s not necessarily the arrival of babies that damps female ardour. To some degree, evolution is stacked against women. In the early stages of a relationship, women are genetically programmed to have a high sex drive in order to form a ‘pair bond’.

After this bond has been sealed, the woman’s sexual appetite usually declines, but a man’s tends to remain the same, in order to protect him from being cuckolded by another male. Researchers from Germany have found that, four years into a secure relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex, compared to between 60 and 80 per cent of men.

According to Relate sexual therapist Paula Hall, for a purely celibate relationship to succeed, the couple needs to agree, in advance, on the precise degree of sexuality they are allowed to display, which is very difficult.

‘Our sexuality is central to who we are as people. For a celibate relationship to work you have to decide how you will maintain physical intimacy and where to draw the line. Are you still allowed to wear that little black dress he always finds so sexy, for example? Must you wear granny pants so there’s no risk of arousing him?

‘You have to be clear about what you would do if one partner starts to feel sexual. You also have to ask yourself: is the decision to have a non-sexual relationship a healthy decision, or have you simply given up on having a sex life?’

The truth is that a great number of long-term relationships become sexless, or virtually sexless, by default, many of them as a result of the pressures of work and modern life. Testosterone levels are reduced by stress, and as testosterone is responsible for the sex drive - in both men and women - that means a lack of interest in sex.

Falling into bed at the end of a long day, sex is often the very last thing on our minds. And when small children wake at 5.30am, the lazy morning lie-ins of our courtship days are also out of the question.

But unfortunately human beings tend to be creatures of routine and, if we fall out of the habit of lovemaking, we can forget how to be sensual with each other at all. Ironically, the more sex you have, the more testosterone is produced by the body, so the less sex you have, the less you feel the need for it. But sometimes celibacy seems less of a challenge than trying to tackle emotional problems between your and your partner.

‘There can be times, such as when you have small children, where celibacy suits you both,’ says Hall. ‘But if that changes for one of you, the imbalance can lead to resentment, and this has a tendency to build up slowly and eat into a relationship, causing all sorts of problems. Arguments about not having sex then create a huge amount of tension and discourage the other partner from sex even further.’

Relationship counsellors refer to the term ‘disorders of desire’ to describe situations where libidos are mismatched. Where one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t, it can be very painful. Feelings of rejection, anger and failure and also a sense of loss - on both sides - are common.

‘I feel distraught at living in a virtually sexless life,’ says Amanda, 36. ‘The pain, rage and shame I feel are sometimes overwhelming. My husband claims he loves me yet he rarely touches me. I have humiliated myself in an effort to gain his attention; I have literally begged on my knees for him to show me he cares, but that makes him retreat into himself further because he resents being put under pressure.

‘We used to have a lot of sex, then it dwindled to a few times a year. The irony is that he really enjoys sex when we have it and promises me we’ll do it again soon, but we never do. I just want to be held and feel loved. I do think about leaving him, but we have children and a life together, and lack of sex seems such a selfish, superficial reason to go.’

Amanda’s husband, Martin, 43, sees it differently. He feels nagged into sex, which makes him even more resistant. ‘I’m well aware that Amanda is unhappy - she tells me virtually every day,’ he says.

‘I know I have a problem with sex, which I suspect is partly down to laziness, and partly to do with feeling henpecked in the relationship, so at a subconscious level I withhold sex and affection. Being shouted at makes me even less inclined to want sex. I wish she would be less shrewish,’ he adds, ‘then I might have the space to initiate something, but she’s too busy ranting, so I just ignore her.’

Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage, has every sympathy for a woman or man who feels anguish at the loss of sex and intimacy. She too says she’s never encountered happy celibacy; there’s always one partner yearning for more but willing to settle for less.

‘Generally speaking, celibacy is a unilateral decision, not a joint one,’ says Wiener-Davis. ‘The intimate touching that comes with sex is the tie that binds in marriage, the glue that holds the relationship together, and we need it,’ she says. ‘It sets that primary relationship apart from all other relationships and we are hard-wired to feel a connection and a sense of being special to one another.’

An absence of sex can create a void at the centre of the relationship, leaving a door open for infidelity and divorce. When a third party offers the love and physical affection a husband or wife craves, it can be difficult to resist.

‘A marriage without sex isn’t doomed, but it’s on shaky ground,’ Wiener-Davis points out. ‘Marriage is a package deal, and there are all sorts of things you must learn to accept about your partner, but accepting that he or she won’t have sex with you is a pretty big compromise to make. Yet there are people who can look at the bigger picture, who say “I’ve got four great children and a history with this person and even though I’m really unhappy, I’m not willing to walk away”.’

Few would argue that marriage and long-term relationships are about give and take - on both sides. Sex therapists often suggest that, where desire is not equal, the partner with lower libido should occasionally display a spirit of sexual generosity towards their husband or wife as way of demonstrating love for them.

If one partner refuses to entertain any notion of physical intimacy, there’s no opportunity to rediscover the pleasure of touching and being touched, which can, in turn, lead to a reawakening of desire. In the short term, celibacy may seem easier than talking about the lack of contact and less confrontational than discussing the serious issues that underline it. But marriage is for life, and a lifetime without sex is a lot to ask of anyone.

How To Keep That Loving Feeling

Keep talking: If you feel there’s a problem with sex in your relationship, don’t brood in silence; sit down together and discuss it.

Make time to be close: Cuddle up on the sofa or in bed, but agree beforehand that it won’t lead to sex, so there’s no pressure.

Rekindle some romance: Dress up and arrange to meet in a bar you used to go when you first dated. Practise flirting with each other again.

Indulge yourselves: Set aside one evening a week to light candles and massage each other. Be sensuous rather than sexual; with time, that will happen.

Cruelty of cheaters

2007-07-22T12:52:00.000+10:00

Earlier this month "TK" in Texas wrote me an email telling me of her story. I've had a number of emails from visitors to DaDetail that have preferred to email rather than post to the Blog. Almost all stories have an element of the cheating spouse displaying cruelty toward their spouse. In "TKs" short account below there are a number of acts of cruelty which is a real concern for if TK wrote in more detail I think it would become even more apparent just how cruel her spouse is toward her.

1. TK has to beg for sex
2. TK strongly believes her spouse has cheated many times
3. TK was expected to clean the kitchen on her birthday
4. TKs husband tried to shame TK by bringing their daughter into the issue

TK asked me to comment on what she thought was going on with her husband. Without knowing more than what TK sent me (which you can read below), this is my take on this situation...and I will not be popular for my opinion but here goes...

Firstly, I think your husband has lost respect for you. That's why he feels its okay for you have to beg for sex and still deny you. You too have lost respect for yourself and hence your ability to let this marriage continue the way it has for so long and not stamp it out sooner. All relationships require a level of respect for each other, at some point in your marriage he has lost this respect for you and my guess is you lost respect for yourself when you started suspecting he was cheating on you.

I predict his level of cruelty toward you might be steadily increasing over time and you've only just started to recognise it as it is getting progressively worse. I strongly believe you can only control yourself. I like that you finished reading the article before dealing with the smell he was complaining about...I think you should have simply said you couldn't smell anything and that if he could he should clean the kitchen. That's taking back control of you.

I hope this helps?

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"I have been married for 22 years...have four children, two grandchildren. My spouse and I have sex perhaps five times a year at most. We can go for months and nothing. I am the one that always has to beg and at that it still does not happen at times. My spouse has cheated many times in the past, yet I have no concrete evidence he is doing so at this time.

He has started to be cruel at times again though and that can be a sign. My 48th birthday was this past Sunday. We had gone out to get donuts and the Sunday paper. When we arrived back home he complained of an unpleasant odor coming from the kitchen. I had already sat down to read an article and drink coffee. He made the snide comment to our 20 year old daughter that "I am very disappointed with your mother"....meaning he was upset I did not run right away to the kitchen to take care of the problem. Needless to say....I had not noticed the odor .but it was from a dirty dish left in the sink. I did read my article first and I then went to the kitchen afterward.

Do you have any opinions as to what is going on here? I feel that he was purposely trying to ruin the day for me in which he more than succeeded in doing so. My husband is 50 years old and I am 48. You may publish my article is you wish. I have no one here to turn to for this , and an objective opinions would be of great help. Thanks TK in Texas"

I'm Back!

2007-07-22T12:45:00.000+10:00

Its almost a year since I last posted on my Blog. I guess life has "taken over" as they say and I've just caught up...anyway, I'm back and will try my best to post at least once a week.

Gay Married Men Article From The NY Times

2006-08-13T22:18:00.000+10:00

One of my past posting was titles "Married men having gay sex". I came across a great feature story that featured in the NY Times which I thought I'd share with you all. I've cut and pasted the text to the story below or click here to see the story in the NY Times site.

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When the Beard Is Too Painful to Remove

By JANE GROSS (NYT) 1814 wordsPublished: August 3, 2006

THEY spend decades denying their sexual confusion to themselves and others. They generally limit their encounters with men to anonymous one-night stands and tell all manner of lies if their wives suspect.

They consider themselves to be devoted husbands, conscientious fathers and suburban homeowners, and what typically brings them to the point of crisis in their 40's, 50's and even 60's is their first emotional connection with another man.

For gay men in heterosexual marriages, even after the status quo becomes unbearable, the pull of domestic life remains powerful. Many are desperate to preserve their marriages -- to continue reaping the emotional and financial support of wives, and domestic pleasures like tucking children in at night.

The demand for support groups for gay, married men, as well as traffic in Internet chat rooms, shows that so-called ''Brokeback'' marriages have hardly disappeared, as many experts assumed they would, even in an age when gay couples, in certain parts of the country, live openly and raise children just like any family.

Leaving a marriage and setting up housekeeping with a gay partner is not what most married gay men have in mind when they join a support group, according to Stephen McFadden, a clinical social worker, who runs such groups in Manhattan. Instead, Mr. McFadden and others in the field say, their clients generally start out committed to the opposite goal.

Even after a pained awakening or acknowledgment of their sexual orientation, these men want to save their marriages, Mr. McFadden and others say, either by lying, promising their wives they will not have sex with men or persuading them to accept their double lives.
Yet, such arrangements succeed for only ''a small percentage'' of couples, Mr. McFadden and other therapists said, but the stubborn attempt often makes these men unwelcome or uncomfortable in support groups for gay fathers, which are easy to find but largely the province of men who are long divorced.

One support group member, Steve T., is a Long Island doctor, married to his high school sweetheart and the father of three school-age sons. He said he felt the sting of judgment when he tried a group for gay fathers. ''They thought my desire to stay married was part of my denial,'' said Dr. T., who would do almost anything to keep his family together and his suburban lifestyle intact, even after telling his wife that he is gay.

She is his ''best friend'' and the ''perfect co-parent,'' said the 44-year-old doctor, who agreed to be interviewed on condition he not be fully identified and his secrets thus revealed to relatives, neighbors and patients. He enjoys the social life of a popular suburban couple, adores his in-laws and wants to live in the same home as his children.

But he also wants to continue a love affair with a man like himself: married, with children, a lawn to mow and a comfortable life. And until a few weeks ago, Dr. T. said, ''this was working great in terms of getting our needs met and not disrupting our families.''

Dr. T.'s wife had agreed she could live with his sexual orientation provided he didn't act on it. So he lied and said his homosexual relationship did not include sex. But she wasn't fooled and forced him to move into an in-law apartment in the family home, a way station to a more formal separation.

This development has left him stunned, one moment sympathetic to his wife's position and the next disbelieving that they can't work it out. ''I love her, but she wants me to be in love with her,'' Dr. T. said. ''She wants to be my one and only. Everything we have will be at risk if, God forbid, we divorce.''

Data on these marriages is scarce and unreliable because of the various ways of defining ''gay'' in demographic research. Studies in the 1970's and 80's, using inconsistent methodology, found anywhere from one-fifth to one-third of gay men were or had at one time been married. All the therapists and gay men interviewed for this article assumed that percentage would be far lower in today's more accepting society.

But Gary J. Gates, a demographer at the Williams Institute, a research group that studies gay issues at U.C.L.A., blended data for The New York Times from the 2000 Census and a 2002 federal survey of family configurations, and found that the percentage of gay men who had ever been married could be as high as 38 percent -- or as low as 9 percent -- depending on whether respondents were asked their sexual orientation, whom they had sex with or whom they found attractive.

Of the 27 million American men currently married, Mr. Gates found, 1.6 percent, or 436,000, identify themselves as gay or bisexual. Of the 75 million men who have ever been married, 1.8 percent, or 1.3 million, identify themselves that way. But, in both cases, when the men are asked about behavior if they have ever had sex with men, not what they consider their sexual orientation, the number of men who have ever been married doubles.

The sort of arrangement Dr. T. hoped for -- a proper marriage and one or more relationships with men on the side -- is not unheard of. Cole Porter pulled it off and so did James McGreevey, New Jersey's former governor, who left office, and his wife, in 2004. Mr. McGreevey, 48, has spent the last year writing a memoir, ''The Confession,'' to be released on Sept. 19, and recently, with his new partner, Mark O'Donnell, 42, moved into a Georgian mansion in Plainfield, N.J.
THE specter of AIDS has led to a formal and presumably safe way for gay married men to have it all, known as a Closed-Loop Relationship. Instead of risky promiscuous sex, a married man has two ''monogamous'' relationships, one with his wife and one with another man, usually married. Done according to the rules, enumerated on Web sites and online support groups, all four parties agree to this setup.

''It's an approach which people hoped would be a compromise solution,'' said Michael, the Web master of www.marriedgay.org, a site based in Manchester, England, who declined to give his last name out of deference to his wife, whom he no longer lives with. ''But it's easier said than done.''

Closed-Loop Relationships are anathema to Bonnie Kaye, the former wife of a gay man, who runs the Web site www.gayhusbands.com and conducts ''How to Come Out to Your Wife'' workshops. ''If they're too selfish to leave, I won't work with them,'' Ms. Kaye said. ''If they love their wives, they need to give them their lives back.''

Deception remains common. An unscientific survey of visitors to www.marriedgay.org found that more than half of the married gay respondents said their wives did not know of their sexual inclinations. Of those, a slim majority were considering whether to come clean but a third said ''never.''

Men who are forthcoming with their wives, and then divorce or separate, report surprise that what happens afterward is often vastly harder than the process of ending the marriage.
Scott W., 64, a retired school teacher and real estate agent, relieved his occasional need for homosexual sex with anonymous encounters on East Hampton Beach without quite labeling himself as gay or bisexual. Only when he fell for someone, who rejected him because he was married, did Scott conclude he had to divorce a woman he loved and had been with for 24 years. That process, as these things go, was without acrimony, said Scott, a former member of Mr. McFadden's support group, and he remains close to her and his two grown sons.

But looking for love in late middle age, Scott said, is a frustrating ordeal. After a brief ''slut phase,'' he had ''the naïve idea I'd find someone right away.'' Instead, he has learned he is ill-suited, or too old, for gay night life. ''They want to go out at 11 o'clock,'' Scott said, ''and I want to go to sleep at 11 o'clock. Plus, in those places, there's too much noise and confusion.''

He eats dinner most nights at the bar of an East Side restaurant that attracts an older gay clientele. The conversation is lively, Scott said, but he hasn't found anyone to date. Recently, a married gay man left his business card but Scott threw it away. He is not looking for a one-night stand.

Scott's loneliness after divorce is common among middle-aged men, according to Dr. Richard A. Isay, 69, the first openly gay member of the American Psychoanalytic Association who himself left a heterosexual marriage about 20 years ago, when he was already in a gay relationship that he remains in today. Dr. Isay said he came slowly to understand his patients' sense of isolation during three decades of practice, and therefore has modified his advice to gay married men.
''I beg them to take it slow because it's difficult to find the substitute for the love and companionship of a longtime spouse,'' said Dr. Isay, author of ''Commitment and Healing: Gay Men and the Need for Romantic Love'' (Wiley, 2006). ''They must take that loss into consideration.''

The loss comes on top of the adolescent awkwardness of not knowing the social norms of a new world, described on the blog www.comingoutat48.blogspot.com. Its author, who identifies himself only as Chris, writes of changing his clothes many times before heading to his first gay bar, finding it empty and not realizing he had arrived too early. He writes of not understanding the sexual terminology in gay personal ads and looking for an ''always gay'' man to teach him what he needed to know.

In an e-mail exchange, Chris compared the experience to ''living abroad,'' where the ''thrill of a new place'' competes with ''the deep loneliness'' of unfamiliarity. It is not, he said ''the existential loneliness of not knowing who you are and where you belong, but the loneliness of 'What am I going to do this weekend?' 'How am I supposed to behave?' or 'When will the phone start to ring?'

'' Even in the security of a six-year relationship with a man, John. J., 53, resists divorcing his wife of 30 years. ''I am still so in love with her,'' he said, speaking on the condition he not be fully identified because his parents, in-laws and colleagues do not know the details of his separation. ''And there's nobody else I'd use that word for.''

John said he had no moral choice but to leave his marriage once he ''let the emotional aspect'' of his attraction to men into his life. ''That had been the realm of me and my wife,'' he said. ''So that's the line of demarcation. The two, for me, are mutually exclusive. But divorce? I can't imagine the finality of that. I have doubts all the time.''

Friends cheating

2006-08-06T16:02:00.000+10:00

I recently found myself in a very uncomfortable position. I found out (with my own eyes) that one of my good friends who is married to another friend of mine is cheating. Obviously it is not my place to pass judgement or tell on them but it still makes me feel weird.

From what I can gather, they are meant to be exclusive to each other but perhaps privately they have an agreement, perhaps they are allowed to fool around but not tell, perhaps their sex lives are at a point where they do not turn each other on anymore. Who knows, relationships take on so many different forms now-a-days.

Anyway, just thought I'd share. I'm sure all those reading this post have been in a similar position.

If there is no sex in the relationship – is it ok to cheat?

2006-07-20T12:13:00.000+10:00

“I'm in a sexless marriage. My wife wants no physical contact. If I have sex with others, is it cheating?”

I’ve had a few emails regarding this scenario and thought I’d dedicate a posting to it.

This is a question posted by one of my readers “PW”, but the story to follow is not his story, it’s the story of “Bob from Kansas”

Bob from Kansas City emailed me his story and said I could share it with my readers. Bob has been married for 17 years and has two kids who have all left home for college and work. In the past 10 years, Bob says he has not had sexual intercourse with his wife. He said he stopped trying to have sex with her after eight years of rejection and being starved of sexual intimacy.

Bob says his wife stopped wanting to have sex with him after the birth of their second child. He still finds his wife attractive and she still says that he is attractive but she just flat-out doesn’t want sexual intimacy. The most affection he gets from his wife is a kiss on the cheek every night before going to sleep.

About six months ago Bob met a woman at the local grocery store. It started with an innocent discussion about which type of canned salmon was the best and led to several lunch date, the last one of which was at her place. Anyway, one thing led to another and Bob committed his first ever act of infidelity on his wife. Never in their 17 year marriage had Bob’s lips even been on another woman’s and as a result he is feeling serious guilt as a result. Bob said, “I had honestly forgotten what the feeling was like to have sex with someone and it was wonderfully overdue”. (I bet it was!)

Bob has since cut contact with the grocery store lady for fear that it could lead to something more than sex. He does fear though that now he remembers how enjoyable and satisfying sex can be that he will cheat on his wife again. He said he’d email me an update if he acts on his urges again.

Bob’s question to me was: Is it okay to do what I did given my wife has not wanted to have sex with me for 10 years?

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Frankly, I have to say that while Bob did commit infidelity his grounds for doing so were somewhat warranted. Some will say he is selfish but others will say he was within his rights after all he was faithful for 17 years!

If I were in Bob’s situation I would probably have had a word to my partner to say, listen, you are not interested in sex but I am and I have my needs. I still love you but I need to get me some! From there the conversation can go a number of ways (positive and negative) but at least it puts the issue out there to be dealt with.

I don’t care what anyone says, a healthy consistent sexual relationship is a key ingredient to a fulfilling relationship.

What do y’all think?

Can a cheater expect fidelity from a lover?

2006-07-08T10:37:00.000+10:00

For those of you that have actually cheated on a partner at some point will know all about today's subject...Can a cheater expect fidelity from a lover?

To those that have never cheated on a partner, you'll read this and think how what a ridicules double standard! The reality is that this is a fairly common scenario, especially if the third party is single. For me personally, I have been on both sides of the fence on this issue.

A guy I used to hang out with many years ago was the king of enforcing this crazy double standard on his lovers. He had two long-term relationships going at the one time. One partner lived in the same city as him but they lived separately while his other partner lived in another State. In between he had three others that were like part-time lovers. These three others were all single and knew about his two long-term partners but not about each other. Confused? Tell me about it, I used to be with him when he would field calls from them in the one day - now that was confusing.

My friend actually expected all five of his partners to not have sex with anyone but him! Predictably enough, the two long-term partners actually found out about each other and broke it off with him, leaving him with the three part-timers...long story short, two of the part-timers got over him and he is left with the default...Last I heard he is still with default.

Have you ever been expected to be faithful to someone you are creepin' with? Or perhaps you have been the default?

Married men having gay sex

2006-06-25T15:54:00.000+10:00

What’s going on with the number of married men that are having gay sex!

Go to any number of online dating sites such as Gay.com or Gaydar and look at the number of ads placed by married men and your mind will boggle!

From my own personal experience I have been with a number (more than 10 I think) of them. You can usually pick them as they give very little about their life away.

Anyway, the thing that prompted todays post is I was recently on the Cheaters Forum looking at some of the posts and I came upon one which was posted by a lady that has discovered that her husband has been having sex with another man for the past 18 months. She was seeking advice on what to do in the situation.

This situation is more common then most of us realize. I know in my group of friends and acquaintances there would be at least 10 guys that have been married but now consider themselves to be gay. In Australia and some states of America there are even support groups to help support married men that are gay such as GAMMA. There are even a number of books that have been written on the issue including My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Survival Guide

It is becoming more and more common that married men come out later in life. I think some of this is due to homosexuality becoming more mainstream. For some men, they do not work out that they are gay until much later in life. For example, a friend of mine has just had his first gay experience at 56! He said he may have just suppressed it all this time while he was married for 25 years. He recently got divorced and then it happened. He was a little shell-shocked as he had never even thought of being with another man. He is a really honest man so I believe him when he says he had never had a gay experience until then.

Another couple I know, they have been married for 10 years (they have two young kids) and two years ago she discovered that her husband had been having an affair with another man for six of the ten years of their marriage. It’s taken about a year but they are actually friends now. She says that it took a while but once she accepted that her husband has probably always been gay all along but due to family, society and self pressure he was forced in the closet and only managed to get the courage to come out later. She is now 39 and getting on with her life and dating.

The blame game when the truth comes out is never the best way for both the husband and wife. Honest and open communication is the key so both parties can make decisions based on fact. So too is not using the kids as a tool to punish and assign guilt!

Sex Fetish Revealed ...

2006-06-20T22:23:00.000+10:00

I posted in my Blog a few weeks back about this tale of infidelity about Rex Hunt an Australian celebrity that admitted he cheated on his wife. Anyway, the story is back in the headlines after one of the women he was meant to have cheated with has revealed details about his fetish...makes for great trash reading (and we all love a bit of trash every now and then!).

You can read the full story at the Sydney Morning Herald site

Open Sexual Relationships

2006-06-17T22:58:00.000+10:00

I know a few couples in open sexual relationships. Granted most of them are gay men but it’s certainly becoming more common place for straight couples as well. There are even counselors that deal specifically with couples seeking to have successful open relationships. The pixnaps Blog offers a great perspective on open relationships which is worth a read.

The reason the this topic is top of mind for me is a close girlfriend of mine and her boyfriend are considering trialling an open up their relationship to see where it goes.

About 10 years ago I found myself in an open (sexual) relationship. I was young, cocky, stupid and thought I knew it all. It was fun for a while but I have to say that it was ultimately a really destructive situation for me and my lover at the time. We are still great friends so that’s a great outcome but this isn’t always the outcome so be warned. At the end of the day it became clear that we were both looking for something that was missing in each other, basically we were both in a waiting lounge looking for our next relationship to find us.

The amazing thing about open relationships are the ‘rules of engagement’ couples come up with in order to make open relationships work, such as;

- Warts & all - Both parties must tell all about any sexually activity outside the relationship. Both must be completely honest and tell all details e.g. where, when with whom, what was done...
- Don’t ask don’t tell – Neither party has a reveal any detail about a sexual encounter
- Quota System – Limits are placed on the number of sexual encounters that can happen each week/month
- Don’t fall policy – Limits placed on the number of sexual encounters that are allowed with the same person. This can also include a rule where phone number/email address can’t be exchanged
- Limited fluids – No kissing

There are a bunch more which I’m missing so help me out if you know anymore.

I’m sure open relationships can work really well for some couples and I’d love to hear some success stories and even disaster stories as well.

Is blatant flirting a form of infidelity?

2006-06-15T23:01:00.000+10:00

I went to a semi-society wedding on the weekend. You know the faces you see in the social sections of the newspapers but they are not actually famous for anything. Anyway, a good friend of mine married the love of his life and the wedding itself was a complete success.

My other half and I were seated at a table next to two 45-50 something year olds. I'll refer to them as Couple A and Couple B. Both couples were by all accounts very wealthy, attractive and very friendly. Within and hour and a few (too many) glasses of wine later, Husband A and Wife B started flirting with each other. The flirting quickly moved to the odd touch of each others arms and lap. It soon became noticeable the non-flirting husband and wife were noticing the shameless behaviour of their spouses and annoyance set in. To the point where the non-flirting husband grabbed his wife’s mobile phone off her at one point, it appeared as though she was about to take the phone number of the Husband A. The non-flirting wife for the rest of the lunch completely turned so her back was facing her husband so she didn’t see flirting.

Its moments like this that make can lead to an act of infidelity if it’s taken too far and boundaries are tested. What is it about weddings that lead to this type of behaviour, the irony is that this behaviour took place at a wedding which was meant to be a display of faith and commitment!

Then again is this type of blatant flirting a form of infidelity? or Is it just innocent fun?

So when is cheating, cheating?

2006-06-10T13:31:00.000+10:00

Today I’m gonna holler at you about the much talked about topic that usually swings the most silent observer into Dr Phil.

One of my close girlfriends (I’ll refer to as “Paris”) found herself in a frazzled state this week when her partner (I’ll refer to as “Bozo”) of about nine months served her up a healthy dose of dating reality. Here’s how it went down…

Paris and her (now sort-of ex) Bozo had had the discussion about where they were at with their relationship. Both agreed they were very happy in the relationship and without actually stating it, Paris had made an assumption that they were exclusive partners. Paris being the secure, sexy, confidant lady she is said to Bozo, “you are free to do whatever you want, we all are as adults”. With this element of freedom both also allowed each other the freedom to go out separately to bars and clubs with the trust that they were secure with each other.

Anyway, Bozo went out to a dance club last Sunday night. When Paris called him the next morning to see if he wanted to catch up since she was in his area, Bozo said he could meet her for lunch but not at the moment. When Paris asked why she couldn’t come over now, he admitted that he went out last night and had brought someone home and she is still at his place in the shower.

Paris admits that she and Bozo never had an actual conversation about whether or not they were in an exclusively monogamous relationship. Sure they had not had sex with others since their relationship became very close particularly in the last four months but added to that it was never stated they couldn’t. Bozo’s argument was that Paris had said he was free to do whatever he wanted.

Paris admits to giving Bozo the freedom to do whatever he wanted but never thought he would actually do what he did. She also appreciated his honesty. When she asked for my opinion I of course stated that I’m free to go and jump off the Harbour Bridge but I know the dire consequences of such an act, and Bozo (as an adult) clearly knew the consequences of having “just a shag” with a random disco bunny.

The scenario above is a great example to ponder the topic of today’s posting…So when is cheating, cheating?

For me, cheating in a relationship simply breaks down to this…If you do something in a relationship which you are not willing to tell your partner about, you’re cheating. Relationships for me are about total open communication and respect. It’s about giving the person you are with the opportunity to make decisions and judgments based on truth and fact.

So did Bozo cheat or not…You be the judge?

I think given he was honest without hesitation about what he did, he probably didn’t cheat. At the end of the day though, Bozo played himself because he didn’t consider the consequences…At this time, Paris is not willing to continue with what they had and she is only willing to do the friends thing with him now…they are both devastated.

Workplace Infidelity It's Hard work...

2006-05-27T12:03:00.000+10:00

eMilyism proposed an idea which has resulted in the subject for today’s post. We are both posting on our respective Blogs about the same subject. The subject: Infidelity in the workplace

It must be the water in Sydney…but over the past six months I’ve personally heard of more than 20 incidents of office infidelity, it’s going crazy over here. But maybe this is a global movement after all if you believe the stats below…

www.menstuff.org website posted results of a survey on infidelity with some extraordinary results. For example in the survey posted on this site:

- 2 out of 3 women and 3 out of 4 men admit they have sexual thoughts about co-workers

- 75% of men and 65% of women admit to having sex with people they work with

I’m sure these stats aren't completely accurate but who knows, seriously, you never know. In the workplace I work in, I know of five couples that met at work, whether they committed infidelity when getting together I’m not sure about.

Personally I’ve never been involved in any type of office romance of any description. I guess I’ve never worked anywhere that had any hotties and being gay also significantly reduced my suitable options as well. Friends of mine have committed infidelity in their workplace and some still continue with it today.

Theoretically, it makes complete sense that infidelity in the workplace would be common. Given we spend more quality waking time with our workmates then we do with our significant other at home.

Workplace infidelity takes many different forms but usually starts out with a bit of innocent flirting > moves to serious flirting > to lunch dates with each other > to phone calls outside work hours > meetings after work > kissing > sex…

A friend of mine Lisa (of course, totally not her real name) had an affair with a guy that works in the same office as her. Lisa was single at the time and this guy Phil (not his real name) was (and is still) married. They knew each other in passing, that was until a staff Christmas party had them chatting over a few (too many) drinks (what’s up with staff Christmas parties!... that’s a post for another time I think). One thing led to another and they were meeting every other day for a quickie in the toilets of the building they worked in. While the relationship began with the intentions of it remaining sexual this guy Phil wanted to leave his wife to be with Lisa. Of cause she called it off at this point.

My friend Lisa, being the level headed girl says she has learnt a lesson from her experience. She says there are just way too many risks that can arise as a result of workplace infidelity. Jjust in case you’re pondering whether to commit workplace infidelity here are some questions Lisa reckons you should ask yourself before embracing the beast...

- What happens when the sexual relationship ends and one party wants it to continue?
- What happens when others at work find out?
- What happens if it turns ugly?
- What happens if you fall in love?

You’ll be happy to know that Lisa is now in a committed relationship with her man of 2 years now…FYI – she met him on a blind date!

Until next time…all comments welcomed.

Can we all walk away from the "beast" AKA Infidelity?

2006-05-22T21:50:00.000+10:00

Here is a huge confession...Apart from the current relationship I am in, I have never been fully faithful to my past partners. For whatever reason, either they have suspected I was cheating or vice versa and the infidelity has occurred. I remember when I was committing the act of deceit that I somehow validated it to make it ok. I decided to have a break from relationships to do the single thing for a while. During this time I decided that I was ready for a relationship, but I had also decided that this time I would do it differently. Some may say I just matured or perhaps the fact that I believe I'd found the LOML (love of my life) has contributed to my monogamous state?

I've been with the LOML for over two years without straying. I reckon we can all walk away from the beast when it pops up, its a self confidence issue. I'm not here to preach, I'm not religious, I'm not here to toot my horn or get on a high horse but the way I've managed to control the beast (infidelity) is fairly simple. For goodness sake, If I can do it we all can at least try. ..That goes for you ladies too, I have a lot of straight girlfriends that confess all sorts of things to me and I know a lot of them are currently in relationships and a lot of them have cheated on their fellas as well.

Here's a simple statement of fact, it's harder to be monogamous than to cheat...It's as simple as that! Whether you are straight, gay or bi, this simple fact remains. Seriously, we all know sex is that easy to come by nowdays, but what's more rare and something to be proud of is the ability to honestly state that you are completely monogamous to your partner.

I am very proud of the fact that I have been able to remain so for over two year and plan on continuing. I'm no saint, by any stretch of the imagination. Shit, I'm tempted all the time but I employ a really simplistic strategy. I just don't allow myself to be in a situation where I could slip. For example, if I am getting the eye from someone I find attractive I do not return the look. For me, I know enjoy a good flirt as much as the next person, however, I know how quickly an innocent flirt can go from a giggle to something completely out of control in a matter of minutes (you've all have been there!)...Its just not worth the risk. Another example, if someone tries to come onto me, I put it out there straight away that I have a boyfriend so there is no question that I am taken. We all know this maneuver isn't always respected by the other party and this is where I walk away immediately from the situation...Its just not worth the risk, yes I don't trust myself!

Obviously people stray in relationships for all sorts of reasons, very rarely is it ever just one reason either, its usually a host of different issues/reason/situations, etc. I highly recommend to anyone reading this that knows they are with someone they respect, love and believe in to try to walk away from the beast. Its never too late to start fresh. It really breaks your heart the first time you walk away from the beast because the immediate thought is "damn, I can't believe I just denied myself..." However it soon becomes more empowering the more times you do it. For me it means that I have come to value what I have more.

So what if your being completely faithful but you suspect your other half may be creeping on you? The thing is this, you can only control your own actions. Be true to yourself and the way you contribute to the relationship, if it turns out your other half has been creeping around on you and the truth comes out you only have to deal with your own conscience and so do they.

Have a go, try to walk away for the first time, you may be missing potentially the hottest shag, root, lay, bonk (however you describe it in your country) of your life but so what...its just a shag in the end!

Here's the thing, if you and your partner try and are unable to walk away from the beast then communicate openly to decide a way forward. In todays world relationships are not a one-size-fits-all package anymore. Communicate and work out a way together with both parties agreeing openly.

All feedback encouraged...

"It's an awful thing to find out but it's not the end of the world." …

2006-05-19T20:28:00.000+10:00

This is a quote from the Lynne Hunt, wife of a famous television/radio star in Australia after it was revealed during the week that her husband of 34 years, Rex Hunt had been cheating on her for more than 15 years with three different hookers.

We all love a celebrity scandal but celebrities like us are only human. Rex Hunt like millions of men around the world thought his infidelity would remain a secret he said, "I thought that by paying money for sexual favors that I could buy anonymity, that I could buy confidentiality..".

Infidelity has so many faces and effects people in many different ways. In this instance, due to various circumstances Lynne Hunt didn't think the complete violation of trust was that big a deal. She was quoted as saying, "I wasn't happy about it. I was really, really upset about it [but] I have had a lot worse things happen in my life and this pales into insignificance - [like] losing family members". Most people that have been victims of infidelity will agree that it is the breach of trust which is harder to get over.

I know some of you reading this would be thinking to yourselves that Lynne is a spineless woman because cheating is cheating, a vow is a vow, trust is trust and cheating is cheating but maybe Lynne is right, it's not the end of the world...This may be true but the cost of her husbands infidelity will probably carry through the rest of her life, thats where the real damage is in this tale of indefility.

I tell you what Lynne hunt is a much stronger person then many of us...or is she simply a weak lady lacking the confidence to kick her man to the kerb where he needs to be?

Read the full story on the full story on the Sydney Morning Herald website

What's DaDetail all about??

2006-05-18T23:12:00.000+10:00

DaDetail is created as a means for me to publish and raise awareness of infidelity in relationships as a social issue. Too often, our society treats infidelity as a moral issue but the consequences when the truth comes out can have an enormously negative effect on individuals that are directly or indirectly involved. Infidelity claims a huge psychological and emotional toll regardless of innocence or guilt, once Tday (truth day) hits and its victims can include family, friends and society.

I, like everyone, have a fascination with the private lives of people, especially with regard to infidelity. I don't know too many people in relationships that haven't committed some form of infidelity. I've personally been the innocent and guilty party of infidelity so I approach this Blog with a completely open mind.

This Blog will include my own commentary on the issue and also seek your views on current issues relating to infidelity. I'll also discuss various situations that pop up in my own life (people love to confess things to me, donno what it is) which I'll share with you but of course only after I've change personal details about the confessor.

Judgmental don't live here at DaDetail so lets get it out there and talk about it...